Ego has long been a big challenge for me. It's not that I'm a narcissist, and it's not like I was never taught the value of humility. I was, and I try my best to live a humble life. But, for someone who has bounced from the highest of emotional highs to the lowest of emotional lows -- many of which were driven by naivete more than anything else -- ego can be a dangerous thing.
Add to that my tendency toward an obsessive personality -- I either give something everything I've got, or I don't do it at all -- and it makes for a roller coaster than can be hard to control. I've learned through the years how to stay at a much more even keel, and I have learned how to not let things get to me -- so much so that, at times, I think my ability to let almost anything slide off me like water off a duck's back drives my wonderful wife absolutely crazy. It's just that I know my triggers, so I try to avoid them.
So it was a hugely revealing -- and refreshing -- moment tonight when I came to the sudden realization that there is a very good reason why God doesn't often show me the bigger picture: I'm better off if I can't see it.
See, one of my other somewhat-destructive personality traits is self-sufficiency. I have long prided (another weakness) myself on taking care of my own affairs. I try not to rely on others for much, as I have always tried to be as little of a "burden" (my own words, not theirs) as possible. Unfortunately, this do-it-myself attitude has, at times, caused me to forget that my strength, my ability and my provision ultimately come from God. Often, I take credit for things when I really ought to give God the credit and the glory. It's not intentional; it's just that I still have trouble, at times, remembering that I am merely God's means to accomplish some things here.
So, when you put it all together, what it comes to is this: if God was to bless me with a longer, wider view of things, both past and present, there's a significant chance that I would become more acutely aware of just how well I've been blessed. However, my self-sufficient nature could see that and view it as personal success, not Godly blessing. Heaven knows the last thing a person with even remotely egocentric tendencies needs to is to become even more aware of what he might have done right and well.
So God, who knows me far better than I even know myself, gives me the ability to see the short-term a whole lot better than I see the long-term. It makes things like running a business and following through on ideas to completion a challenge. But it makes me exceedingly adaptable and easy-going. There are things that are bad, but I sure do enjoy and appreciate those last two things.
And there is peace in not knowing: God has plainly told me that I don't need to be concerned about all the long-term details -- because he already has it under control. Jeremiah 29:11, a very well-known verse, says it plain and clear:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I don't need to worry and fret about the long view. God has that in control, as long as I don't try to take it from him. In the meantime, he gives me what I can handle, and let's me thrive there. Maybe some day he will lead me to a place where I can deal with the long view and not self-destruct because of it. Until that day, if it ever even comes, I'm okay with that.
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